Like. Sooooooo wonderful.

Wondering who I am? I’m Merit Badge Awardee Jane (MBA Jane for short). In my former life …

This morning, I took a look at the requirements for the beginner Sew Wonderful badge in Stitching and Crafting. Seems pretty simple—put together a beginner’s sewing kit, complete with things like different-colored threads, needles, pins, etc. Sounds like shopping to this girl! Who needs encouragement for a little retail therapy, after all? Not this wannabe farm chick …

Off to the craft store I went. I knew where it was because it’s near the mall, and occasionally I park in the craft-store parking lot for a little extra exercise on my way to get my weekly Jamba Juice. I figure the longer walk makes up for all the calories, and anyway, I never take the elevator in the mall; I always take the escalator for the aerobic burn. I really think that justifies any snack attacks in the food court.

Anyhow, though, this isn’t about the mall. That craft store was un-cluckin’-believable! It was like being lost in a maze of buttons and fabric and yarn and all sorts of shiny things. I got completely turned around until a clerk in an apron found me (a way NOT cute one, BTW. I mean, would it kill her to add some ruffles, maybe some lace? I thought about suggesting it, but I was parched from being lost and could barely speak to ask where they kept the thimbles). She bustled off with such amazing speed I could hardly manage to keep up, and I nearly lost her in the batting and stuffing section. Somewhere near the never-ending rows of patterns, I began to worry that I would starve to death and die in this craft store, so I found a granola bar in my purse, kept there for just such emergencies. Who knew there were crafting emergencies? I know, right? I had to open it and snarf it down at a running pace as the clerk in the bad apron was merely a snippet of blue in the distance. That woman could really boogie. I finally caught up with her near the tulle (or was it toile?) area, and gasping for breath, I picked out my thimble.

Don’t ask me what it’s for. One step at a time, girls, one step at a time.

I put all my sewing purchases in my basket, and dazed and confused, mouth dry from my granola bar, legs shaky from all the running and pursuing, I attempted to find my way back to the front of the store. Like a shimmering mirage in the distance, the checkout stands loomed somewhere in another remote land. A straggling line of people were ahead of me, and by the time I got there, I was pretty sure Easter came and went and I had one or two birthdays. I think a tumbleweed tumbled by … although I can’t be sure.

At the end of the day, I had an adorable little sewing kit with color-coordinated threads, a Jamba Juice in hand, and an itch to sew something. I figure the Community Service badge is next; I am SO making ruffles for that poor fashion victim’s apron. After I sleep off my craft store hangover, that is.