Author Archives: mbajane

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,346 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—9,010 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Outpost/Speak for the Trees Beginner Level Merit Badge, I got a perfectly perfect excuse to visit my bestie at the Bureau of Land Management. Sometimes, she forgets we’re besties, but I always remind her with a peppy hello (and a latte).

Being BFFs with a nature and wildlife guru is way cool, girls. I cannot recommend it highly enough, and I totally encourage you to take a latte over to your local BLM and test my theory. Sadly, Debbie was in a fish-naming meeting (very important, very hush-hush), so I left her coffee on her desk and took what I came for: a handy-dandy pamphlet on local trees.

Foliage. Saplings. Bushes. Greenery. Vegetation. Shrubs. From the itty to the Redwood, I was finally going to learn a little something about trees, and I was excited to further my Verdure Education, so to speak.

Since I’m a bit of a Visual/Kinetic Learner, I decided to combine my two requirements for this badge into one nice, long walk. See, I could have read my pamphlet at home and then go for my walk to identify the trees, but I have something of a short-term memory. Not to mention, my ADOS* can rear its head when I least expect it.

I didn’t think my process through, obviously, since I spent half the time walking into the trees I was trying to identify as I studied, but no matter. Some people are tree huggers … I’m a tree collider.

Trees I found and can now identify proudly:

• The Western White Pine (it’s my state tree, peeps!)
• The Ponderosa Pine (smells heavenly)
• Balsam Pine (deep inhale)
• Western Hemlock (a natural weather vane, as its needles and branches actually bend away from the wind)
• Lodgepole Pine (makes me dream of log cabins)

There are so many more to classify and recognize, I knew it was going to take more than one short walk (and one hazelnut latte), so I made up my mind—ouch, there’s another Balsam—to keep my BLM brochure at arm’s reach whenever I’m hiking, camping, glamping, or just plain out in nature. Bein’ one with the trees, farmgirls … I can see me now: pointing out the lesser-known varieties—like the Englemann Spruce, the Pacific Yew, or the Black Cottonwood—to my eager audience and fellow tree colliders … Yowch, my toe! Dabnabbit, that Quaking Aspen came out of nowhere!

Anyway, I earned my Beginner Level Badge, alright. I have the knowledge, the badge, and the stubbed toes to prove it. Totally worth it, gals.

*Attention Deficit – Oh, Shiny!

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,346 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—9,010 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,269 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—8,908 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Each Other/Farmgirl Jubilee Beginning Level Merit Badge, I brewed myself a cuppa, baked a few current scones (with clotted cream, guv’nr), kept me eyes peeled for a sighting of the Tardis (my childhood dream of being Doctor Who’s new companion has never died), and read all about HM Queen Elizabeth II’s Diamond Jubilee of 2012.

What a bash. It was positively smashing and brilliant. (Crikey, I love British idioms. Wait. Crikey is more Down Under, isn’t it? Well, that’s a bit barmy of me, but no matter.) The British know how to do a jubilee, I tell you what. The peasants (do we still call them that?) camped out in the rain to be a part of this celebration, so you know it was a party worth going to. Like Woodstock, only way more posh. A party 60 years in the making, in fact. Cheeky!

Photo by Richard Symonds via Wikimedia Commons

Lest you think this all a bunch of codswallop or that I’m off my trolley, check it out here.

Just reading about it has me knackered, but I was determined to earn this badge. It turns out that a jubilee is a basically an anniversary celebration of … well, just about anything. Want to commemorate the first anniversary of your first Badge? Have a jubilee! Feel like marking the fifth birthday of hosting your very own grownup dinner party? It’s jubilee time!

Photo, Tsuchiura Fireworks Display by peaceful-jp-scenery via Flickr

For me, the hard part wasn’t planning a party. I mean, come on, luv, I’m the princess of parties. I have the cocktail dress to prove it (a becoming little black chiffon with a flounce to die for). The hard part was deciding what to celebrate. There’s just so much good in this farmgirl’s life …

Then I had it. I could host another Organic Dinner Party for my friends and family, and incorporate some of the other farmgirl elements: a reusable bag swap perhaps, or an evening of candlemaking (right after our course of bangers and mash … or maybe bubbles and squeak … hold the blood pudding)?

Of course, my jubilee didn’t need to be British … but I was kind of hooked. Line and sinker. Which reminds me of fish and chips. Luvvly jubbly, gals.

I got to work planning my jubilee and even included an invite for the Doctor.

Doctor Who?

Just wish I knew where to mail it.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,269 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—8,908 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

Wondering who I am? I’m Merit Badge Awardee Jane (MBA Jane for short). In my former life …   

For this week’s Farm Kitchen/Bread Making Beginner Level Merit Badge, I first had to learn the difference between two very simple, yet very ingenious, common kitchen ingredients: baking soda and baking powder. Hey, they’re not just for brushing your teeth and scrubbing your cutting boards anymore, peeps.

I’m blushing to admit that A) I have never really learned the difference, and B) I have mixed them up more than once. And just a friendly helpful hint from me to you: baking powder does not a Red Devil Cake make.

It turns out the two are amazingly similar: so similar, in fact, that you would think they are interchangeable. But alas … weeping and gnashing of teeth … negative, ghost rider.

Although you can, in a pinch … (Get it? A pinch? A pinch of soda? HA!) … use powder in place of soda, though you would need a larger amount. But vice versa? Just ain’t true, Magoo.

Both are basically sodium bicarbonate, but baking powder has other ingredients as well.

Photo courtesy of Joe Mabel, Wikimedia.com.

Here’s a great explanation from North Carolina State University:

“What’s the difference between baking soda and baking powder? Short answer: acid. But it can make a big difference for baked goods, so let’s explain.

Baking soda has only one ingredient: sodium bicarbonate. Sodium bicarbonate is a base that reacts when it comes into contact with acids, like buttermilk, yogurt or vinegar. This reaction produces carbon dioxide (CO₂) in the form of bubbles, like a liquid foam (think of the grade school experiments involving fake volcanoes, vinegar and baking soda). When making baked goods, the process is called “chemical leavening,” because the trapped CO₂ gas makes the dough or batter rise.

But when baking soda comes into contact with an acid, it pretty much reacts immediately. And that’s a problem.

For many baking recipes, you want an extended reaction, so that the rising doesn’t take place all at once.

Baking powder addresses this problem because it is “double acting” – it has different ingredients that create CO₂ gas at different stages of the baking process.

All baking powders contain sodium bicarbonate (just like baking soda). But baking powder also contains two acids.  One of these acids is called monocalcium phosphate. Monocalcium phosphate doesn’t react with the sodium bicarbonate while it’s dry. But as soon as the baking powder is stirred into a wet dough or batter, the two ingredients begin to react, releasing bubbles of CO₂ and causing chemical leavening.

But to extend the chemical leavening process, baking powder also contains a second acid, either sodium acid pyrophosphate or sodium aluminum sulfate. Neither of these acids react with sodium bicarbonate until they are both: A) wet (i.e., stirred into the batter) and B) hot.

In other words, sodium acid pyrophosphate and sodium aluminum sulfate won’t start reacting with the sodium bicarbonate until after you’ve put the dough or batter in the oven. This means that the batter rises for a longer period of time, making lots of bubbles (and a fluffier cake, muffin, or whatever).”

Anyway, enough of the science-y stuff, gals. Just call me Jane the Brain.

Onto baking some bread in order to earn my badge … let the smacking of lips begin.

Hermann Sondermann (1832-1901), kehr vom Backhaus via Wikimedia Commons

 

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,188 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—8,837 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Outpost/Pampered Pets Beginner Level Merit Badge, I was inspired by my new pooch, Mr. Darcy. A lovely (and loving) black Labradoodle, Mr. Darcy was having some joint problems, and some skin problems. Also, he has a flatulence issue that’s eye-watering, to say the least.

Labradoodle by Guy Frankland via Flickr

While I had made a commitment to myself to read food labels, watch my health and diet, switch to organic living, and take my supplements, I hadn’t actually applied my knowledge to my four-legged friends yet.

Mr. Darcy looked up at me, woefully, from his bowl of crunchy, dry, soy-based nuggets one evening. I swallowed my locally sourced rainbow trout and felt guilty.

Not guilty enough to fry him up one of his own, mind you, but darned close. Close enough to let him lick my plate, and close enough to make me promise he wouldn’t have to finish that 50-pound sack of questionable dog food languishing in my garage.

My quest for natural pet care was afoot. As I absentmindedly scratched Mr. Darcy behind his ears the next morning (trying politely to ignore his serious dandruff problem) I thumbed through the yellow pages, which in this day and age means I was surfing the web. First I checked out some testimonies and stories from pet owners who had switched to holistic and natural veterinary habits.

In the beginning, I wasn’t quite sure I understood the idea: would they be sticking needles in Mr. Darcy (I didn’t think he’d go for acupuncture),

Photo by Kyle Hunter via Wikimedia Commons

lighting candles,

Photo by Sander van der Wel via Wikimedia Commons

and practicing yoga with him (not with those hips of his),

Photo by Caroline Klebl via Wikimedia Commons

or chanting things while lighting feathers (he does love a good chicken feather)?

Types de plumes. Larousse pour tous, 1907-1910 via Wikimedia Commons

Naturally, I was being overly dramatic in my assumptions, and I learned this from the American Holistic Veterinary Medical Association:

“The (AMVMA) explores and supports alternative and complementary approaches to veterinary healthcare and is dedicated to integrating all aspects of animal wellness in a socially and environmentally responsible manner.” The techniques promoted in holistic medicine are minimally invasive and incorporate patient well-being, lifestyle, and stress reduction. Holistic thinking is centered on love, empathy and respect. Use of blood tests, x-rays, and similar objective diagnostic techniques is minimized in favor of sensitivity to the animal. Nearly every form of medicine and therapy used in alternative medicine for humans is also used in holistic veterinary medicine.

A healthy diet free of additives is central to a holistic approach. Holistic veterinarians believe that, through nutrition, most disease can be prevented.”

Why, that didn’t sound weird at all! In fact, it sounded like common sense. Excitedly, Mr. Darcy and I booked our first appointment with a recommended holistic vet. Although, to be honest, since getting rid of our nasty bag of toxic additives we used to call food, and supplementing with more healthy fare, I’m not sure we’ll even need that appointment … Mr. Darcy’s skin is getting glossy and smooth (and dandruff free) and his joints seem to be those of a puppy’s again. Plus, he hasn’t cleared a room in over a week, if you know what I mean.

Coincidence? You decide.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,188 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—8,837 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Make It Easy/Candlemaking Beginning Level Merit Badge, I burned my collection of store-bought candles down to the nubbins. Nubs? Stubs? Well, no matter; the point is, waste not, want not, so although I don’t intend to purchase a lot of chemical-laden candles anymore, I still wanted to use up the old stuff (and recycle the containers, of course … wink, wink, nudge, nudge). With the rather confusing and somewhat headache-inducing aroma of Peach-Gardenia-Pine-Maple-Cotton lingering throughout my living room, I settled down for a long winter’s nap some serious researching into the lost art of candlemaking. Three pieces of knowledge were needed for Yours Truly to earn this Beginning Level Badge and I was hot to trot. I was also hot because of all the smoke, but that’s probably a coincidence.

• What kind of wax should I use (or maybe even more importantly, not use)? It turns out, in my digging for the truth, that there are several options. Among the most popular: soy-based, paraffin blend, beeswax, vegetable, and coconut. Now it doesn’t take an Expert Level badge earner to be a little wary of the paraffin wax. (Can I get an amen, sisters?) Paraffin emits all sorts of chemical-laced odors, and that’s not surprising, given that it’s basically a compound of mineral (crude) oil. And if I’m gonna burn my house down while attempting to mask the smell of my jogging shoes, I want it to be organic smoke, right? Ha ha, just a little candle humor there.
• What kind of smelly good stuff should I use? Behind Door #1 we have: essential oils. These come in just about every scent your proboscis can imagine, and if you can’t find the one you’re looking for, you can mix and match. They are a little on the spendy side though, so unless you are, say, making two dozen tea lights and you don’t care that they’re all French Vanilla, you can go for Door #2: open up your pantry/backdoor/garden gate. Lavender … pine needles … coffee beans … cinnamon. But take it from me, not all together in one candle. Lilac Pancakes are just weird. Voice of experience here.
• What kind of coloring should I use? Those leftover tabs of dye from last Easter’s egg debacle? Food coloring? Organic food coloring? Those just might be the bee’s knees (minus the Easter-egg dye), but you know what they’ve been using to dye candles for centuries? Things like paprika, comfrey, beets, tea, rosehip powder, lavender, and spirulina powder. Well, unless you’re looking for a neon green, glow-in-the-dark, totally unnatural color, of course. But if you are, you probably wouldn’t be reading this, would you, my little all-natural beauties?

Armed to the teeth (or rather nose) with my education, I was all set (and uber-excited) to put my information into motion. And my motion into a potion. And my potion into … lotion? Nah, that’s a different badge. Candlemaking Beginner Level Badge: check! Candlemaking Intermediate Level Badge: coming right up …

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,129 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—8,751 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Farm Kitchen/BakeOver MakeOver Expert Level Merit Badge, I was fine-tuning my BakeOver skillz.

To earn this badge, I needed to come up with my own recipes, using BakeOver mixes, for one breakfast, one lunch, one dinner, and one dessert. (Only one dessert? Crikey!) Turns out, I’ve gotten pretty good at these 20-minute delicacies.

Combine that fact with watching a lot of the Food Network, and you’ve got yourself some delish new recipes to try. Yum!

P.S. Let’s face it, farmgirls. I enjoy a crunchy salad as much as the next yoga-lovin’, skinny-latte-sipping gal, but once in a while, I need to lay off the rabbit food and channel my inner cavegirl. Meat and potatoes? Hearty comfort food (but still healthy)? Yep. Bring. It. On.

Breakfast: Spanish Skillet

• Preheat oven to 425°F.
• Prepare Budget Mix^® Organic Corn Bread, using the BakeOver instructions on the package.
• Sauté 1 large bell pepper, half an onion, a handful of mushrooms, 1 diced jalapeño, and 1 can black beans in a 9″ cast-iron skillet. If you have some leftover taco meat, now’s the time to add it in (a small chorizo link, diced, works well, too). Season to taste with salt, pepper, and maybe a pinch of chili powder and cumin. Toss in some grated sharp cheddar and 4 beaten eggs.
• Place the dough on top of your masterpiece.
• Bake 20 minutes. Flip upside down. Top with salsa if you so desire (and I do)!

Lunch: Cheater Artisan Flatbread “Pizza”

• Preheat oven to 425°F.
• Prepare Budget Mix^® Organic Focaccia Bread, using the BakeOver instructions on the package.
• Sauté your favorite pizza toppings in a 9″ cast-iron skillet. I used Italian sausage, red onions, spinach, chopped fresh tomatoes (these will taste like your “sauce”), mushrooms, and asparagus. Oh, and garlic! Lots and lots of garlic!
• Season with oregano, basil, salt, pepper, and a pinch of sugar.
• Top with fresh mozzarella slices, sprinkled with salt.
• Place your dough over your yummy lunch.
• Bake 20 minutes. Flip. If you’re feeling really haute couture, top with arugula that has been drizzled with lemon juice and olive oil.

Dinner: Jambalaya Skillet

• Preheat oven to 425°F.
• Prepare Budget Mix^® Organic Corn Bread, using the BakeOver instructions on the package.
• Sauté 2 kielbasa links, a handful of leftover chicken, 1 can diced tomatoes (or use fresh), 1 chopped onion, some minced garlic, 2 stalks chopped celery, and a few cleaned shrimp in a 9″ cast-iron skillet. Add enough chicken broth to moisten.
• Season with Cajun seasoning and salt and pepper. Taste. Add hot sauce if you like spicy lips.
• Top with dough (instead of the typical rice).
• Bake 20 minutes. Flip. Serve!

Dessert: Ginger Peach Shortcake

• Preheat oven to 425°F.
• Prepare Budget Mix^® Organic Buttermilk Biscuits or Budget Mix^® Organic Walnut-Orange Scones, using the BakeOver instructions on the package. Add 1 t powdered ginger.
• Stir together sliced fresh peaches (or any fruit, but peaches go especially well with ginger), brown sugar or honey to sweeten, finely minced fresh ginger, a squeeze of lemon, several pats of butter, and cinnamon in a 9″ cast-iron skillet. (Sprinkle with 2 T flour to thicken if your peaches are especially juicy.)
• Top with dough.
• Bake 20 minutes. Flip. Top with whipped cream or vanilla ice cream. Sigh contentedly.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,129 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—8,751 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Each Other/Greatest Generation Intermediate Level Merit Badge, I was off to visit Gramma Barbie at the Sunny Oaks Retirement Home in Florida. Don’t get me wrong; I wasn’t just going to earn a new merit badge, I also love me some Gramma time. She’s a hoot. She promised to teach her secret family recipe for Green Bean Casserole, so I set off for Florida, my mouth watering all the way.

The drive gave me plenty of opportunities to think up new life questions for Gramma. Sometimes you know someone so well, you don’t realize what you don’t know. You know? Last time I spent time with her, she almost gave me TMI, if you know what I mean. So this time, I planned to keep her on the straight and narrow,  conversationally speaking.

Turns out, my little plan was derailed by plans of her own. The sneaky woman put me to work organizing old photographs while she gallivanted off with her friends to play bingo. Well, I admit grudgingly, this works too …

Photo by Ricardo Peralta Solis via Wikimedia Commons

By the time Gramma got back (three hours and 20 bucks richer), I had several photo albums filled with old—er, I mean to say vintage—photos, and my tummy was rumbling for some casserole. I let her thumb through my masterpiece while she talked me through her secret recipe:

Green Bean Casserole

Homemade Cream of Mushroom Soup Concentrate:
3 T unsalted butter
1 small shallot, minced (about ¼ cup)
½ cup minced crimini mushrooms
2½ T all-purpose flour
½ cup vegetable broth
½ cup whole milk
1 pinch kosher salt
2 pinches freshly ground black pepper

Start by melting the butter in a pan. Add your shallots and sauté till soft. You can add some garlic here too, if you’re feeling wild and crazy and want to stay vampire free. Sprinkle in the flour and whisk. Pour in broth and milk. Let bubble and simmer for about 5 minutes. Season.

Now it’s time to use this baby for some casserole!

Green Bean Casserole:
2 lbs haricot verts (green beans)
1 recipe Homemade Cream of Mushroom Soup Concentrate (above)
½ t kosher salt
¼ t coarse black pepper
¼ cup half-and-half
4 T unsalted butter
2 large shallots, peeled and sliced thin

Preheat your oven to 350°F.

Season a pot of boiling water with a few pinches of salt. Drop in the beans and cook for 3-4 minutes. Remove and immediately plunge the beans into icy water for a minute or two. Remove to a colander and pat dry.

Photo by Warden via Wikimedia Commons

Add the blanched beans to a large bowl. Pour the homemade cream of mushroom soup over top. Season with kosher salt and black pepper and pour in the half-and-half.

Toss the beans around until coated and place them into a 1½ to 2-qt baking dish. Pop into your preheated oven and bake for 30-40 minutes, or until the beans are fork tender. Toss the green beans once halfway through baking.

Meanwhile, melt the butter in a skillet. Add the sliced shallots and stir every so often until they start crisping up. Once they’ve reached a golden color {but not too deep} remove with a slotted spoon to a paper towel lined dish, where they will continue to crisp as they cool.

With 10 minutes remaining on the clock, remove the casserole and top with the shallots. Bake for 8-10 minutes, until the shallots turn a deep golden. Watch carefully so they don’t burn. Let the casserole rest for 5 minutes before serving.

Slurp.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,129 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—8,751 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Farm Kitchen/Recipes Expert Level Merit Badge, I hosted a lover-ly (channeling Eliza Doolittle) dinner party for my nearest and dearest. But not just your average dinner party, with take-out or delivery pizza, oh no! Never let it be said, farmgirls, that this girl doesn’t know how to party.

And by “party,” I mean—of course—eat concoctions made from passed-down family recipes until I burst. I had been collecting the recipes for some time now, preserving them (Get it? Preserves? Like Uncle Ed’s lemon preserves? HA! Just a little Farm Kitchen humor there.), gifting the results, and basically eating myself into a coma. Not really, but it was a close call the weekend I attempted perfecting Great Grandfather’s caramel torte recipe. A helpful note from me to you: too much caramel does not a happy belly make.

Julaftonen by Carl Larsson 1904 via Wikimedia Commons

Anyway …

A dear friend of mine reminded me that not all of us really have families who A. cooked, or B. passed anything down, but I could share some of my kooky family members with you, if you’d like. I mean, let’s face it, some of us have a few more than our fair share, so we’ll be generous. In the words of Cary Grant in Arsenic and Old Lace, ”Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

‘Christmas Comes But Once A Year’ by Charles Green via Wikimedia Commons

Gramma Barbie’s Famous Horseradish Deviled Eggs

PREP TIME: 25 MINUTES
COOK TIME: 20 MINUTES
MAKES: 6 EGGS

6 eggs
3 T mayonnaise
1½ T prepared horseradish
¼ t black pepper
¼ t salt

1. Place eggs in a medium saucepan and cover completely with water. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat; boil for 2 minutes. Remove from heat, cover, and let stand for 10 minutes. Rinse with cold water.
2. Using a sharp knife, cut off the top third of one unpeeled egg. Carefully scoop out both the egg white and yolk from both sides of the shell into a medium bowl, reserving the larger portion of the shell. Repeat with all eggs.
3. Add remaining ingredients to eggs and mash together until smooth.
4. Spoon or pipe mixture into the reserved shells and decorate as desired.

Aunt MJ’s Glamping Asian Chicken Slaw

PREP TIME: 15 MINUTES    MAKES: 4 SERVINGS
This recipe can be made ahead of time and put in your cooler, or it can be assembled at your campsite.

2 skinless chicken breasts, cooked and diced
4 cups Napa cabbage, thinly sliced
½ cup green onions, thinly sliced
3 T rice vinegar
2 T peanut oil
1 t sesame oil
1 T fresh ginger, peeled and minced
1 t sugar

1. In a large bowl, combine chicken, cabbage, and onions.
2. Add remaining ingredients and toss to blend. Add salt and pepper to taste.
3. Serve as a salad or fill pita pockets.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,129 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—8,751 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Make It Easy/Light the Way Expert Level Merit Badge, I rolled up my flannel sleeves, channeled my inner lumberjack, sharpened my ax (Yes, I have an ax! Farmgirl here, dontcha know?) and got to chopping. Yes, I know, mid-winter isn’t exactly the time of year to be thinking of this chore, but to be honest, I underestimated how much lumber I would need and, truthfully, I can only store so much at one time, right? I mean, I need room on my back porch for craft projects, too. Like my Automatic Needle Threading Machine 3000 (it takes a lot of space).

But now, I’m about to break my own Wood Chopping and Stacking record, all in the name of Merit Badges! And a little in the name of Warm Toes, if we’re honest. Just like Honest Abe.

The Railsplitter. Abraham Lincoln here despicted as a young man chopping wood, 1909, via Wikimedia Commons.

First—since I’m not a young whippersnapper anymore—I stretched. Yes siree, I recommend a good loosening up of the ol’ pectorals, biceps, triceps, and uh … elbowceps? Is there a badge for learning anatomy?

After my short but sweet warm-up session, I did a quick jog around the house a few times to keep my adrenaline pumping and my metabolism working. And by “a quick jog around the house a few times,” I naturally mean, a quick tour of the fridge and the contents therein. Nourishment found and hunger abated, I resolved to get started for real this time.

After a quick cuppa tea.

A girl needs her strength, okay?

Okay, seriously now, I’m down to two pieces of kindling and a demolished chair someone left out by their curb. I really need some firewood, stat.

Stop distracting me, already!

I settled into my chopping with reckless abandon. (That’s just a literary term. Don’t chop wood with reckless abandon, peeps—that would be … well, reckless).

Photo by Kreuzschnabel via Wikimedia Commons

After laying down a good foundation, I started getting fancy with my stacking skillz. That’s right, folks, you’re looking at a Lincoln Log Queen, so don’t think I’m just going to stack the regular way. Leave that to the amateurs! I won’t settle for anything less than a high-quality, awe-inspiring, Taj Mahal of pine. The Eiffel Tower of ponderosa. The Buckingham Palace of fir.

Buckingham Palace? Now I need a tea break.

Isidore Verheyden – Afternoon Tea, 1905 via Wikimedia Commons

*several hours later*

It’s starting to shape up. My pectoids and my trapezius cuffs (??) are burning, but my masterpiece is looking aMAYzing. A little crooked, but that’s alright. Esthetics aren’t everything in this art form. There’s also form, shape, size, weight, imagination, and creativity. And the little dance you do when you get too much bark in your socks. Or when a rogue squirrel flies outta nowhere.

I wasn’t going to stop, by golly, until a neighbor wandered over to say the magical words. You fellow choppers know the ones I’m talking about:

Nice stack you got there, Jane.

Photo by Feci1024 via Wikimedia Commons

Any time now. They’re coming. I can feel it.

Any time.

Squirrel!