Author Archives: mbajane

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,760 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—9,508 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! ~MaryJane 

For this week’s Young Cultivator Stitching and Crafting/All Tied Up Beginner Level Merit Badge, I spent some time with Nora, my ever-lovin’ and ever-talkative neighbor girl. She’s the artistic type (I can tell this by the mood swings and the way she dresses … very eccentric), so I knew she’d be perfectly swell for this particular badge.

For Nora to earn her Beginner Level badge, all we had to do was whip up a smock.

“No, not a snack,” I patiently replied to Nora, who sighed dramatically. “A smock. Smock? You know, like an artist’s apron?”

Self portrait of the Venezuelan painter Arturo Michelena, public domain via Wikimedia Commons

Empty eyes stared back at me. Goodness, this child.

She said she’d probably think better if she had a slice of cake. That seemed logical, I had to admit.

After our cake break, we got down to business. First, we made a list of all the different ways we could fashion our own DIY smock and then we narrowed it down to what we actually had on hand, because if we put off actually making our smock any longer it would be dinner time.

Jane and Nora’s Smock-ipedia

• Adult sized T-shirt. To size it more kid-like: open up the seams at the side, cut strips and tie, or slit open the back, gather and tie.
• Use oilcloth for a waterproof, wipe-able smock. To upcycle this idea without purchasing new oilcloth, just use an old vinyl tablecloth.
• Men’s button-up shirts make great smocks: keep the collars and buttons, but cut off the sleeves and the whole back (use the sleeve material to make the apron ties).
• Terry-cloth towels and ribbons: use the ribbons as a tie for around the neck and another for tying around the waist. Use hand towels for toddlers, and bath towels for larger kiddos (or messy adults).
• Denim smocks: use an old pair of jeans. Cut off the legs and just use the tushy part with the back pockets. Attach a ribbon (or just use the leftover denim) at the top as a tie.
• For a one-day only smock, or if you need a whole bunch of smocks for one use only: use a large paper grocery sack. Cut out a hole in the bottom for the head, and two at the sides for arms (think homemade ghost costume from a sheet). Can also use trash bags if you are doing an especially water-y craft, like painting.
• Pillowcase smock: same directions as above.

And don’t forget: whichever idea you choose, everything is better with pockets. I mean, where else can they put their pet frog, or their rock collection, or the last slice of cake?

To make a pocket, simply fold the bottom hem of the smock over in a generous fold. Stitch at the sides. To make tiny pockets to hold individual paint brushes or crayons, make several straight stitches vertically throughout your large pocket with your sewing machine (if your Young Cultivator doesn’t know how to use a sewing machine yet, this is a perfect jumping off point).

Now, you’re ready for another cake break to decorate your smock and make it your own. You can:

• Paint with waterproof fabric pens or paints.
• Tie-dye it.
• Applique it.
• Sew on buttons.
• Bedazzle it!
• Add sequins or glitter with a glue gun (careful).
• Stamp on it.
• Write something fun with permanent markers.
• Trim with lace, ribbon, or rick-rack.
• Hot glue or sew on felt cutouts.
• Googly eyes are always fun.

Nora, being of the philosophy that more is more and a girl can never accessorize too much, chose … all of the above.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,760 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—9,508 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! ~MaryJane

For this week’s Young Cultivator Make it Easy/Music Intermediate Level Merit Badge, Piper and I picked up right where we had left off with the Beginner Level badge.

Right between the knowledge that neither of us had any rhythm to speak of, and the knowledge that we were both kinda dismal at … how should I put it? … Music Appreciation Arts.

Let’s just say, you don’t want us in your philharmonic.

photo, Bundesarchiv Bild via Wikimedia Commons

But hey, what we lack in musical ability, we more than make up for in passion and heart.

So, anyway, to earn our Intermediate Level badges (I mean, badge. It’s really just Piper. I mean, I’m a fully grown adult. Kind of.), we brought in Nora. Nora had earned her Beginner Level badge earlier, so we were a mighty trio. Since this whole shebang was going to culminate in a performance for their parents, we thought hey, the more the merrier. (Also, we were hoping Nora had some skills we could desperately cling to learn from.)

We had to make our own instruments, so here’s what we did in case you too, want to form your own band:

Homemade Tambourines

• Embroidery hoops in any size, but large is best
• Ribbon
• Jingle bells

Wrap the ribbon all the way around the hoops so they are completely covered (you could also use strips of fabric, or skip this part altogether if your hoop is already colorful). Tie jingle bells to more strips of ribbon or fabric and tie tightly around the hoops about an inch or so apart. You can use as many bells as you like. Do like Taylor Swift instructs, and SHAKE IT OFF.

Homemade Maracas

• Plastic Easter eggs
• Spoons
• Dried beans
• Ribbon

Place beans inside your Easter egg and close. Cradle egg between two spoons and wrap the handles together with ribbon (or patterned duct tape). Start a mariachi band!

The Estey orchestra club, Trautmann, Bailey & Blapey / Estey Organ Works via Wikimedia Commons

Rainmaker

• A large tube of strong heavy cardboard (the larger and stronger, the better)
• Small nails
• A few dried beans
• Construction paper or scrapbook paper
• Glitter, stickers, markers, glue, and other craft supplies for decorating

Start by hammering in all the nails into your tube. The more nails you use, the better sound your rainmaker will have, so go nuts. You want them around the whole tube, not just in one straight line, but they don’t have to be in perfect intervals. Cover your tube with the construction paper or scrapbook paper, gluing it on securely. Decorate. Seal one side with a few layers of heavy paper, cardboard, or a layer of duct tape (or if your tube came with plastic lids, even better). Drop in some beans, rocks, or beads, and seal up the top. Enjoy the sound of rain on even the hottest summer day!

Homemade Pan Flute

• An assortment of plastic drinking straws
• Tape

Cut your straws in different lengths and line them up accordingly. Tape your line together. Use about eight or so. Each straw will have a slightly different tone than the one next to it. Have fun being a Pied Piper.

P.S. Piper really likes this one. Go figure.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,760 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—9,508 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MaryJane 

For this week’s Stitching and Crafting/Nellie Make-Do Intermediate Level Merit Badge, I settled in for a long winter’s nap a little recycling and crafting.

Getting’ down with my crafty self.

In order to earn my Intermediate Level merit badge I had to devote at least 50 hours to making fiber projects without purchasing a darn thing (sewing machine parts and/or thread excluded). This worked out well since I’m broke as a joke due to the holidays.

And due to my extreme fondness for snacking. Snacks don’t grow on trees, yanno?

I still needed a few gifts for birthdays, so this badge would be perfect for killing two birds with one … bush … in the hand. Or however that goes. Expressions are not my thing. Snacking is my thing.

I took out two sweaters I had been given eons ago by my Gramma Barbie, who—let’s face it—has had at times questionable fashion sense. They were high in quality and color and low in fit and appearance, to say the least. With a Downton Abbey marathon just starting up, I began unraveling.

photo by Bas Sijpkes via Wikimedia Commons

That’s right. I was unraveling sweaters to make balls of yarn to make new knitted creations.

photo by xlibber via Wikimedia Commons

How many pot holders would a sweater make? We were about to find out.

Hang on a second. Lady Mary and Matthew are needing my full attention. Such shenanigans …

Soon, I was sitting in a pile of chartreuse yarn. I felt like Miss Muffet on a tuffet (what’s a tuffet, anyway?) and I had nearly knitted myself into a fiber cage of my own making. I paused the television during poor Sybil’s childbirth, and spent some dedicated time to rolling neat and tidy balls.

Or, at least I tried to.

Note to self: Arrange for kitty-cat daycare when attempting to start large knitting projects. They were unraveling and chasing my yarn faster than I could spin one. It was like shoveling snow during a blizzard, or eating Oreos after brushing your teeth. Sigh.

Now, never let it be said you must follow in my size 5, kitten-heel footprints. You don’t have to be a knitter or a ruthless sweater killer to earn your own Nellie Make-Do badge, no. You can make quilts from other scraps, if that floats your boat better. Also, if you have cats, I might recommend quilting, although they will likely think you are laying out various bedding options for them, so … you can’t win. But I chose the knitting from sweaters option because of this charming book:

It follows an adorable couple who live in a shack and eat nothing but turnips (that’s probably another badge). The wife unravels the husband’s sweater, bit by bit, row by row, in order to knit some socks to trade for milk and cheese (backyard cow, anyone?). Then the owners of the cow unravel the socks, one at a time, to make a sweater for the farmer. And the twist at the end? Well, it’s witty and sweet and will make you want your own bucket of milk, a small cheese, a backyard cow, a turnip garden, and a wholesome and satisfying knitting project.

There you have it! Nellie Make-Do. Now, if I can just figure out who Nellie is. And does she sit on a tuffet, do you think?

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,760 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—9,508 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MaryJane 

For this week’s Merit Badge, I decided to tackle one with my nephew, Andrew. Being a boy, he’s pretty good at tackling, so we channeled all that noisy, dirty energy into something worthwhile: his Cleaning Up/Trash Talk Beginning Level Merit Badge. Little did I know what I was getting myself into …

Beginning our project took some time, for starters. Mostly because I had to give myself a pep talk and channel all my tea-sipping, porch-sitting energy into something more … more high energy. Andrew is a feisty guy, a real go-getter, a pistol, as my Gramma Barbie would say (right after she made him take a nap, probably). But I just knew if we could focus all that squirmy liveliness into a project, it would be a beautiful thing. And also, his mom would owe me a favor. (She makes killer pecan brownies. I prefer to call in my favors when my sweet tooth strikes.)

“Ok, Andy,” I began, in my best no-nonsense, teacher-type voice. “Today, we’re going to play with garbage!”

photo by CGP Grey via Wikimedia Commons

This was music to the little pig-pen’s ears. It was as if I had suggested we bounce on rainbows, ride a unicorn, or play video games until we burst into a firework display of Skittles. He was happy as a clam as we rode out to a couple of local places to learn about our city’s garbage. First up, the dump.

Or, as Andy liked to dreamily refer to it, Boy Heaven.

photo by Ropable via Wikimedia Commons

We spoke with the man in charge (whose job I believe Andy was already taking over in his curly little head), and asked him about recycling and what happens when people don’t bother. He was happy to talk with us, and Andy took notes in his superhero notebook like an intrepid little reporter.

Then we went to the recycling center where nothing goes to die, it just gets reborn. (That’s a good line, if I do say so myself. Write that down, Andy.)

photo by Bazoka via Wikimedia Commons

The recycling center was less stinky, and therefore, less romantical and wonderful for Andy, but he still had a pretty good time. Out came the superhero notebook again, and this time, he really fired some hard-nose questions at the workers.

Things like:

Have you found any treasures?

Can I have this?

What’s your name?

Why is your eye twitching?

Why do you have such a big tummy?

Where’s the potty?

It’s okay. I don’t have to go anymore.

Can I play on the equipment?

Stuff like that.

On the way out, we picked up his very own recycling container for his household and he was pleased as punch to be in charge of bossing around his family lovingly instructing his family on how to use it. He stapled the guideline pamphlet (with recycling dos and don’ts) to his notebook and decorated the rest of the pages with all the free stickers he got at the front counter. Then he tried to pocket the stapler, but I was onto the little guy.

Next up, dropping off Andy and getting me home to take a nap. He wore his recycling container on his head as he raced up his driveway and skidded to a halt next to a discarded soda can lying on the sidewalk. He promptly picked it up, disposed of it properly, and gave me a salute.

Right back atcha, dude.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,724 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—9,486 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Young Cultivator Each Other/Thank You! Beginner Level Merit Badge, I enlisted my handy-dandy, go-to, MBA newbies, Piper and Andy. No, it wasn’t just that they were the only two whippersnappers in my circle; it was actually their mother’s idea.

You see, she had noticed a bit of … well, negligent and perhaps slipshod behavior in her sweet little angels as of late.

Okay, I candy-coated it. What she really said was,

These gremlins who live with me and call me Mom have become entitled, selfish Twerpensteins with ATTITUDES. Suggestions?

Suggestions? Boy howdy, was I the farmgirl for the job!

You see, I too, have struggled with being negligent and slipshod an entitled, selfish Twerpenstein, and have recuperated nicely.

Hello, my name is MBA Jane and I am a recovering gremlin-with-an-attitude.

Hello, Jane!

I knew the root of the problem with the rugrats lay in their lackadaisical, cotton-pickin’ hearts. They needed a job, a purpose, a sense of thankfulness.

And maybe a cookie.

photo by Jason Lam via Wikimedia Commons

(Because everything—including jobs, purposes, and merit badges—go better with cookies).

In order to earn their Beginner Level badge, they simply needed to start a Gratitude Journal.

Easy peasy, lemon squeasy, righto? I mean, come on. Who doesn’t like to journal things in cute, little, cloth-bound booklets?

Evidently, Piper and Andy, that’s who.

You’d think I was pulling their teeth or forcing them to drink kale juice. The sounds of whining coming from my kitchen table practically made my ears bleed, I kid you not.

“But Auntie!” they cried, in unison, “It’s SUMMER! School is over! We refuse to learn anything! Bloody murder! I won’t do it! The pencil hurts my fingers! The paper smells weird! I need more cookies! This will give me Black Lung! You’ll be sorry when we’re dead!”

Yadda yadda yadda, etc. etc. etc., blah blah blah.

Trust me: I’ve toughened up since becoming an auntie. It’s not a job for the faint of heart. You need a will of iron, a spine of steel, a big heart, and a whole lotta chocolate chips.

After they realized I was not going to back down on this (and that their mother wasn’t going to let them come home until their attitudes changed), they cracked open their journals and buckled down. Well, sorta. Andy banged his head on the table a few more times for good measure, but after it made his eyes cross and I didn’t soften (but did hand him some ice), he sighed and got to work.

They were kind enough to let me read their lists:

• Cookies
• Summer vacation (or lack thereof, Auntie)
• Wifi
• Puppies and kittens
• Breakfast, lunch, and dinner
• Snacks
• Mom and Dad
• Friends
• Slumber parties
• Toenail polish
• Outdoor barbeques with the neighbors
• Horseback rides
• Shopping
• Holidays
• Tree climbing
• Blanket forts
• Movie nights
• Andy (don’t tell him I said that)
• Piper (don’t tell her I said that)
• Swimming
• Pets
• Pizza nights with the family
• Vacations
• Staycations
• Back to school outfits and supplies
• Lemonade stands

I thought it was a lovely list.

P.S. I may have forgotten to mention they have to write in these journals for two weeks to earn their badges.

photo by Danni Suplicki via Flickr.com

Ahem. Pray for me.

And send chocolate chips.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,724 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—9,486 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Young Cultivator Make it Easy/Music Beginner Level Merit Badge, I knew I needed a brush-up on my own musical skills, so I decided to kill two birds with one stone. So to speak. No killing of anything required for this badge, Madge, rest assured.

I wrangled in my partner in Merit Badge earning crime, the ever-so-lovely Miss Piper, and I explained what we needed to do in order to earn this one. She said it sounded easy-peasy, but I reminded her that’s what we think about a lot of things in life until we try them.

photo by Stilfehler via Wikimedia Commons

“Remember leash-training the pot-bellied pig?” I asked. “The DIY flying trapeze? The year we went without Netflix? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Now, front and center!” (You have to be strict with kids. They like it, and it keeps them on their toes, which is always a good thing. I highly recommend cultivating a little suspicious fear in the whippersnappers whenever possible.)

We got to pick three songs and listen to them, trying to identify the different musical instruments used. This seemed like it wouldn’t be so difficult, but I made the mistake of letting Piper pick the first song. Evidently, I am old. I am not phat enough (what’d she call me?!) to fully appreciate the youngsters’ musical tastes these days. Still, I was game. I made a guess as to an instrument used,

“A kazoo?” I asked, desperately trying to hear some semblance of classical composition somewhere in the song. Anywhere. At all. “A trash-can lid? An underwater elephant with a sinus infection?”

“Aunt Jane! Come on now, that’s a bass guitar.”

“Ah. Yes. Totally was my next guess.”

Piper was a good sport and she let me pick the next song. I chose the melodious sounds of Simon and Garfunkel. My ears needed them after Piper’s pick.

Piper woke herself with a snort and wiped the drool off her chin (very funny, kid). “I’m gonna go with … um, a harp?”

Turns out, my instinct about how hard this badge was going to be was pretty on point. We attempted cataloging the instruments in a few other songs, but by then it was hard to hear our guesses because we were laughing so hard.

I’m not sure we learned much, but we definitely bonded. So that counts, right??

Next—when the giggles died down—we talked about harmony, melody, and rhythm.

photo by Nichelle Anderson via Wikimedia Commons

“Harmony,” said I, in my most astute voice, “is what we were just doing when my alto yodeling matched your soprano wailing.”

“And melody,” said Piper, getting into the spirit, “is what we both tend to ignore in favor of our own tune.”

“And rhythm,” I continued, “is a most excellent word to use in a game of Hangman.”

“Aunty, you are so wise.” Piper high-fived me. “Even if your musical taste is dreadful.”

Pshaw! Kids these days.

 The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,691 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—9,460 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Out There Kids/I Am A Survivor Young Cultivator Merit Badge, I snagged my little pal, Nora, and we got ready to put together some Survival Packs. Now, in order to earn this Beginner Level badge, we really only needed to make one, but never let it be said that I make things easy. Or cheaply. Or wisely. So I bought most of our supplies in bulk and we thought we’d make some for our friends and families. I mean, come on. Survival? It’s uh, kinda necessary stuff.

Also, I’ve been reading a lot of zombie novels, and it never hurts to be prepared. Just sayin’.

So Nora came over for the afternoon and we got to work assembling our supplies and packing our baggies. I was surprised at much she couldn’t identify, and the stuff she could identify, she didn’t know why anyone would ever need. So, all in all, our afternoon stretched into the evening. That kid can ask a lot of questions …

Such as:

What’s this weird-looking thing? (Weird-looking thing is a poncho.)

What’s a poncho? I thought a poncho was a type of Alpaca. (Uh, no. It’s a light, rainproof jacket.)

Good, cuz I don’t think we’ll fit an Alpaca in these little bags! HAHA! (Very funny, dear. Let’s try to focus now.)

Whoa! You’re going to give me a pocketknife? SCORE! (Fold that up, please. You’re obviously not ready for that.)

What’s the whistle for? *blows it* Signaling prairie dogs? Practicing my cheers? (For calling for help, you mini weirdo. Stop blowing that thing!)

This is the gnarliest blanket I’ve ever seen! (It’s a space blanket.)

We’re going into space? This Merit Badge stuff ROCKS. (Just hand it here. Sigh.)

Yum, candy. (IN. THE. BAG. MISSY.)

What’s the cord for? *narrows eyes suspiciously* Are we planning on kidnapping someone? (Of course not! What an idea!)

I’m just sayin’… rope, pocketknife, candy … If I find duct tape, Auntie Jane, I’m telling Mom. (Quit it, candy breath.)

I don’t wanna be an accessory to your life of crime, Aunty. (*sigh*)

A mirror? So, like, we can check our makeup while help arrives? Or to see if our rescuers are vampires? (Very funny. It’s for reflecting.)

Wahoo! Matches! I love fire! (IN. THE. BAG.)

Oh, I have one of these already. A first aid kit, right? (Right.)

Whew. That whole thing took a while. We ended up eating most of the candy and granola bars, so we’ll have to replenish those. Nora lovingly used a Sharpie to label the bags, and then she placed them all in a basket, and skipped cheerfully around the ‘hood to pass them out. She was like a Little Red Riding Hood. I wiped a single, proud tear away as I watched her from my porch.

She even left me one, the little sweetie. Then I peered closer at her labeling job:

Zombie Apocalypse Supply Kit (Not For Use For Kidnapping) – BYOC (Bring Your Own Candy)

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,691 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—9,460 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Stitching and Crafting/Origami Intermediate Level Merit Badge, I began to see paper in a whole new light.

Little bits of trash that rustled through the alleyway? Origami would be-s.

Gum wrappers that mysteriously find their way into the bottom of my car? Paper cranes waiting to happen. Spearmint scented cranes, no less.

Photo by Michael Day via Wikimedia Commons

Wadded-up manuscripts and doodled-on sheets of lined notebook paper? Origami babies.

I collected and smoothed out used tissue paper, I hoarded paper grocery sacks, I bought stacks of scrapbook squares at yard sales, and I even began eyeing my trees with a gleam in my peepers (was there a paper-making badge?).

I was hooked. I loved having something to do with my hands when I misplaced my knitting needles or was stumped on my Great American Novel or couldn’t find the remote control. It gave me something to do when I was waiting in the coffee drive-thru lane for my Organic Almond Latte with Whip. Plus, it was fun making something out of nearly nothing, and I gotta say, my neighbor kids thought I was a genius. Forget balloon animals: origami brings a grin to everybody’s faces. (And they don’t pop or fly away. Score!)

To earn my Intermediate Level Origami Badge I needed to make:

• Three different kinds of animals
• Three different kinds of shapes
• Three different kinds of flowers

Photo by Caroline Gagné via Flickr.com

Only nine in all? Pshaw! Why, I could do that, no problem. I turned to Pinterest for some how-tos and inspiration, and naturally, I tumbled right down a bunny trail of distractions.

Pinterest can be detrimental to an easily distracted gal like Yours Truly. I tell myself to look for origami pandas and I end up baking an Oatmeal Cake with Pecan Glaze. I sternly get back to looking up origami swan nests and I find myself entertained for hours by mustache designing. I go back for origami stars and I binge watch gifs of kittens.

Sigh.

It’s a problem. These badges seem to take forever … maybe it’s me.

Me and my addiction to wine-cork art notions.

Double sigh.

Anyway, after finding some totes adorbs origami puppies (and also learning how to French braid a poodle, but that is neither here nor there), I finally folded my last crease. I had done it:

• An origami Dalmatian, a duck, and a dinosaur
• An origami heart, a star, and a box
• An origami tulip, a lily, and a pansy

It’s not every day you can add all that to your arts and crafts resume, chickadees.

(And learn to build a fairy house out of wine corks. Not to mention, the DIY plastic surgery. Though I may rethink that one).

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,691 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—9,460 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Each Other/Get ‘er Done Intermediate Level Merit Badge, my friends organized a sneak attack. You see, they knew about my Merit Badge addiction hobby, and they were waiting for a good opportunity to strike.

One of them decided to move.

Yeah.

That glorious life change of changing houses.

Boxes, boxes, and more boxes, as far as the eyes could see.

Photo by Mixe2021 via Wikimedia Commons

And they knew I would roll up my sleeves and help a farmgirl out.

I’d be resentful of their cotton-pickin’, strategic, evil-genius-like, shenanigans … if I weren’t so begrudgingly admiring of them.

So, roll up my sleeves I did, and we were off for a full weekend of that great American pastime: moving.

There was an eight-hour minimum time commitment involved in earning my Badge, and just the thought made me laugh maniacally and curl up in the fetal position. I had already promised to finish the job with my pal—eight hours smeight hours—so I was in it for the long haul.

Get it? Haul? U-Haul? Hah.

I could probably earn six Intermediate Level Badges with the contents of this gal’s house, I swear. Minimalist, she is not.

Groan. Throw myself prostate on the floor.

Weep a little.

But back to work! At least it’s not the Hottest Day of the Year, or the Rainiest, or the Coldest (which is when I tend to my own personal moving days in the past). I could probably control weather patterns just by scheduling moving days, actually. Something to think about as a career, Janey: meteorologist/professional mover. Hm. If the Organic Sushi on a Stick Drive-Thru doesn’t pan out …

Unpacking and putting things away in a new house is kinda fun. Packing and cleaning the old house? Not. So. Fun. About as much fun as gnawing off your own eyebrows, which is basically what I felt like doing 7.5 hours in. We started off organized enough: boxes labeled in nice black permanent marker, helpful things like Kitchen Baking, or Non-fiction Books, or Pantry Dry Goods. But then, exhaustion and hunger and wild-eyed craziness set it, and pretty soon I was labeling boxes Lift with Your Legs, Dummy, and Why Do You Even Need These? and These Could Be Replaced at the Dollar General So Why Are You Making Me Pack Them? and my personal favorite, I Sold My Soul to Pack Your Junk Drawer.

I was getting hangry (angry due to hunger), so we stopped for a pizza break. After a nice slice (or four) of a Hawaiian and Jalapeno special, I felt slightly less sarcastic and umm … slightly less like I might murder the next person who misplaced the packing tape. We settled back into a rhythm of wrap, pack, tape, label, repeat, and before we knew it approximately three lifetimes later, we were done.

Well, except for the cleaning of the old house so she can get her deposit back.

Groan.

Weep.

Throw myself prostrate on the floor.

There better be another badge in it for me. I don’t know if I can make it.

Please send cookies.

The adorable, always humorous MBA Jane is my way of honoring our Sisterhood Merit Badge program, now with 6,691 dues-paying members who have earned an amazing number of merit badges so far—9,460 total! Take it away, MBA Jane!!! MJ 

For this week’s Farm Kitchen/Unprocessed Kitchen Expert Level Merit Badge, my plan was simple: My girlfriends and I were going to get our significant others (not to mention small ankle biters … ahem, I mean, children) to eat more salad.

You know. Bunny food.

Amid the wailing and gnashing of teeth from the menfolk, we concocted a plan: Come up with some super-yummy, homemade, DIY, organic salad dressings that would make our muscle men, our Hercules, our testosterone-laden overgrown boys swoon for vegetables.

We spent weeks preparing. The men piped down and slowly stopped peering suspiciously in the fridge (probably due to their lack of energy from eating too much red meat and not enough lettuce). Our logic was simple: Swamp ‘em with flavor. Drown ‘em in deliciousness. Spoon them swirls of ranch-flavored goodness, and they’d never even notice the absence of animal flesh.

And the rugrats? What kind of child could resist a poppy seed and strawberry salad? Or a blueberry honey dressing? Or a barbeque chicken chopped salad? They would be powerless to resist the lure of our potluck.

Each farmgirl brought their A game, so to speak. We brought only the best concoctions to our get-together. And the menfolk? Fat Slim and happy.

Photo by jeffreyw via Wikimedia Commons

But that could be partially due to my homemade bacon bits, I don’t know.

Homemade Bacon Bits

Thinly slice bacon (I like to use kitchen shears), Cook until crisp and drain on paper towels. Flash freeze in a single layer on a cookie sheet for about 10 minutes. Place in jar or a ziplock bag and keep in freezer. They’ll defrost quickly, and you can pull them out whenever you need a shake on your salad or baked potato. Or whenever you’re jonesin’ for bacon.

Asian Dressing (perfect for regular salad, but even better on pasta salad, with plenty of colorful veggies mixed in)

• 1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• juice of 1 lime
• a handful of poppy seeds and a handful of sesame seeds
• 2 cloves garlic, finely minced
• 2 small shallots, finely minced (can substitute red onion)
• 1 t honey
• 1 t minced fresh ginger
• a splash of rice vinegar or apple-cider vinegar (more if you like it tangy, or if you’re omitting the lime)
• salt and pepper to taste

Photo by Takeaway via Wikimedia Commons

Summer Rolls (they’re like salad, to go!)

• rice-paper sheets (If your grocery store doesn’t stock them, try an Asian market. They’re less than $2 for a large package.)
• thinly sliced vegetables of your choice (Good options are: purple and green cabbage, green onions, carrots, edamame, chiffonade-style spinach or kale (roll up, then slice the rolls), any and all types of lettuce, sugar-snap peas, fresh asparagus, julienned cucumbers, or zucchini.)
• fresh mint and/or cilantro
• shrimp or chicken (optional)
• homemade Asian dressing (see above)
• cooked Asian noodles or crunchy ones (optional)
• peanuts (optional)

Soak rice paper in hot water, one at a time, until pliable (around 30 seconds). Lay flat on a kitchen towel (it will stick to your counter, so a towel works well). Lay your ingredients in the middle, drizzle with dressing, and roll as you would a burrito (sides in first). Roll tightly! This takes some practice. If your rice paper tears, just toss it and try again. The fillings for these are practically endless: try a Buffalo Chicken one with blue cheese and celery, or a Mexican-flavored roll with a taco salad filling. Perfect for lunches and great for little hands, too. Not to mention, they look amazing and you just might get the cover of your favorite foodie magazine …

Bloody Mary Chopped Salad

• very ripe tomatoes (halved cherry tomatoes are the prettiest)

• celery, thinly sliced on the diagonal

• red onion, thinly sliced

• your best dill pickles (homemade if you’ve got ‘em), chopped (could also use capers)

• 1 T celery seed

• shrimp (optional)

• 1/3 cup clam juice, vegetable juice, or tomato juice

• splash of Tabasco (adjust to taste)

• 4 T Worcestershire sauce

• 1/4 cup olive oil

• 3 T horseradish (adjust to taste)

• 1 T Dijon mustard

• black pepper and salt, to taste

• wedge of lime for each serving

Toss together and let marinate for an hour or so. All ingredients are “eye-balled,” depending on how spicy and flavorful you like it. And of course, if the kiddies aren’t partaking, you could always soak your tomatoes in vodka before chopping …

Photo by anders pearson via Wikimedia Commons

Pink Strawberry and Poppy Seed Dressing

• 1 cup fresh strawberries
• 1/3 cup white balsamic vinegar
• 2 T coconut oil, extra virgin olive oil, or avocado oil
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• salt and pepper to taste
• 2 T poppy seeds
• a drizzle of honey (depending on the sweetness of your strawberries)

Combine in blender. Store in fridge. If using coconut oil, you’ll want to bring to room temperature before pouring. This makes a beautiful pink dressing, perfect for the pretty princesses in your life.